This is me alone... (1)

I slept for most of the day. I didn't really feel like getting up, moving or thinking about my current situation.

I finally did though.

After sealing my intention of not thinking about him and just loving the present at yoga, I smiled, although the sky was filled with shadow. I like it overcast. It makes me feel as though I'm in the right to be depressed, and that makes me happy.

I took a shower and looked in the mirror. Were those tears welling up at the edges of lids? Was my lip quivering? I walked away from the mirror, but returned to look into my eyes and wonder what was in there. There was a want to buy a pack of cigarettes, but that would mean getting into my car and hearing the start of that song. I'm her in another life. There was a want to be held while watching the screen, but that would mean pretending the chest I was rubbing smelled like Armani.

I'm writing this because that's what I do.

All I need is time. All I want is to know whatever I'm feeling cannot be erased by the time. I don't even think you'll read this, but if you do maybe you'll start to understand the real reason I hurt you and I hurt me. You think you know why... It was too quick, too out of nowhere to not be about another guy. But, I'm not interested in what they're offering. At least not yet. Because these feelings have not faded, and I'm starting to think, by the tears falling into the cracks of the keyboard, they're not going to.

I'm afraid though... My life, the life that I want, the life that I will do everything for, does not accommodate togetherness, is not preferred by soul mates and is not suited for one love.