This is me alone... (3)

I think today went pretty well. I didn't talk to him at all. I thought about texting him, but then I remembered that we've split. Sometimes it doesn't feel real. It's only real because of me.

I don't have much to say today. I was busy and that kept my mind off the tremendous heartache I'm feeling. I'll lay in bed and stare at the ceiling soon and that's when I'll think about it. How nice would it be to creep my ten little ice cubes onto his stomach and watch him squirm? How nice would it be to pull the tiny hairs on his chest with my lips? How nice would it be to wake up with him?

The over-sized shirt on my teddy bear only smells like me now. I wonder if he would loan me another.

Thursday is coming... and I'll see him then. I wonder what I'll do. What if I forget and throw my arms and legs around him and whisper in his ear "I miss you." I hope I do that.

This frustrates me the most. He doesn't understand that I love people. I'm not sure what it is, but I feel like I have a connection with everyone, especially people I've never met. It must be my passion as a journalist. I want everyone to feel the way I do about people, even the most recluse and eccentric. Everyone has a story and if the audience would only hear that story maybe they would understand. Maybe the fear and name calling would cease and we'd all be happy. I fear that this passion will end up making me more dysphoric, because idealism only goes so far before runs into reality.

Dolphin Stampede

This is me alone... (2)

I didn't sleep well last night. When I finally got to sleep I had horrible dreams. This only reminded me of you.

I would breathe hard or jolt and you would wrap your arms around me and say, "It's okay. It's okay." You probably don't remember, but you probably weren't awake. I was; scared of the tomato faces and grandmas holding pitch forks. But for that one moment, it made me feel safe. I knew that if there was a monster in the darkness, it would get us both and we'd suffer the same and that would make it much more bearable to be taken.

Even when you don't care you do.

I felt lost when I didn't talk to you, but I think I've always liked being lost. Then you see how people really feel, because without you they feel lost too.

A guy asked me if I was single now. "No, I'm not single. I'm independent," I said.

This is me alone... (1)

I slept for most of the day. I didn't really feel like getting up, moving or thinking about my current situation.

I finally did though.

After sealing my intention of not thinking about him and just loving the present at yoga, I smiled, although the sky was filled with shadow. I like it overcast. It makes me feel as though I'm in the right to be depressed, and that makes me happy.

I took a shower and looked in the mirror. Were those tears welling up at the edges of lids? Was my lip quivering? I walked away from the mirror, but returned to look into my eyes and wonder what was in there. There was a want to buy a pack of cigarettes, but that would mean getting into my car and hearing the start of that song. I'm her in another life. There was a want to be held while watching the screen, but that would mean pretending the chest I was rubbing smelled like Armani.

I'm writing this because that's what I do.

All I need is time. All I want is to know whatever I'm feeling cannot be erased by the time. I don't even think you'll read this, but if you do maybe you'll start to understand the real reason I hurt you and I hurt me. You think you know why... It was too quick, too out of nowhere to not be about another guy. But, I'm not interested in what they're offering. At least not yet. Because these feelings have not faded, and I'm starting to think, by the tears falling into the cracks of the keyboard, they're not going to.

I'm afraid though... My life, the life that I want, the life that I will do everything for, does not accommodate togetherness, is not preferred by soul mates and is not suited for one love.